Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
