There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
