Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
