he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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