Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
