Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
