I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
