glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize