You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have already put on my inside pants.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
