sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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