Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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