I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
