Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
