The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
