I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
