...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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