final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You have to summon your inner elephant
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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