her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I have post one night stand depression
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
