I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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