its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
