The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
