I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
