God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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