I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
