I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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