Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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