You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize