If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
