I think I won the penis lottery.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
