He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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