hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
