That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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