note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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