im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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