I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
