i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
