Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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