my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
