Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
