I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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