Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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