I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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