It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
