Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
