When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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