I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
