where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
