your parents love me but you hate me
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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