her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
