Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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