I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
