he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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