she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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