Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
