My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I believe in your delicious
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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