Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize