I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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