I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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