can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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